My Wicked, Wicked Zorro
This episode was written by Robert L. McCullough and directed by Ray Austin.
(The crowded plaza)
Lozano: Deeper. Go deeper into yourself. Let yourself go deeper, deeper. Let me have control. You are no longer Pedro Gonzales. You’re now a chicken.
Pedro: (Squawks like a chicken.)
Alejandro: You know, Diego I’ve read about this. I believe it was a Franz Mesmer. He developed a technique
Diego: Yes, until Benjamin Franklin declared him a charlatan.
Alejandro: Oh.
(Lozano Claps his hands and Pedro is himself once again.)
Bravo!
Lozano: Thank you, thank you.
You’ve just noticed the power of the mind. You can accomplish miracles with my help. For only five pesos, any of you, I can relieve your pain, your every ache —
Mendoza: The only thing you’re going to be relieving us of is our money.
Lozano: Obviously you are a skeptic, Señor. Such people often make the best subjects. (He holds up a timepiece. Diego is in the background watching carefully, smiling.) Look into my timepiece. Focus on it, Concentrate. Let yourself go. Deeper. Let me have control. Release yourself. Let go.
Mendoza: I feel it. I feel it.
Victoria: What do you feel, Mendoza?
Mendoza: I feel….hunger. It’s time for lunch. (Everyone laughs.) The people of Los Angeles will not be giving you any of their money, Señor.
Alejandro: Welcome, Doctor.
(Everyone leaves. Then the doctor notices Diego still standing there smiling.)
Lozano: You were looking at my timepiece, weren’t you?
Diego: Yes.
Lozano: Take this rock and throw it through that window. (Diego does it.)
Mendoza: What was that?
Lozano: Very good. The sergeant was right. The people won’t be giving me any of their money. I’m going to take it. And you’re going to help me, aren’t you?
Diego: Yes.
Lozano: Good.
Lozano: And you will do exactly as I tell you. Is that perfectly clear?
Diego: Yes.
Lozano: Good. Now, when you hear the words…Let’s see, it should be something classical, something literate, something these fools will never know. Yes. When you hear the words “Et tu, Brute,” you will return to yourself. Do you understand?
Diego: Yes, I understand.
Lozano: I must be rewarded for tolerating these ignorant territorial settlers, these unsophisticated rubes just to earn a living. Speaking of which, this pueblo’s alcalde must have a safe where he keeps the garrison’s payroll. Bring me that money. And then break into the bank and bring me all the cash you find. Where else is there money?
Diego: The tavern. There’s money there.
Lozano: Yes. Bring me the tavern’s money as well. Now, you must be clever and cunning like a fox. Let’s get to it. The sooner I’m out of this little dusty town, the happier I’ll be. We’ll meet at the crossroads. Get on with it. (Diego leaves. The alcalde and lancers approach.)
De Soto: Lorenzo Lozano. You’re under arrest for medical quackery and charlatanism.
Lozano: I beg your pardon. I’m a doctor of sciences, general and specific, a man of letters.
De Soto: I see.
Lozano: I’ve traveled.
De Soto: Take him away.
Lozano: No!
De Soto: Private, impound this embarrassment. (He indicates the caravan wagon.)
(The hacienda courtyard.)
Alejandro: Ah, Diego, I’m glad you’re home. The tailor just made this for me, what do you think?
Diego walks stiffly right past his father.) That bad, huh?
(The cave. Zorro, having put on his gloves, heads for Toronado. Felipe puts a hand up to stop him to tell him something.)
Zorro: Stay out of my way. (Felipe is clearly worried.)
(The pueblo, that night.)
Lancer: Okay, you’re relieved. (Zorro whistles.) What’s that? (Zorro throws a roof tile onto his head and he falls.)
(Zorro enters the alcalde’s office.)
Mendoza: I told you, men, you have to be alert. He’s dangerous. Madre de Dios. Diez! Come on, men. Nachez, get the alcalde.
(Inside the alcalde’s office.)
Mendoza: Zorro! What are you doing here?
De Soto: Lancers, Take him!
(Zorro fights them all and leaves, breaking through a window.)
(The crowded plaza.)
De Soto: Good people of Los Angeles, here is the evidence (indicating his safe). The myth of Zorro is simply that. A myth. The reality is he’s a common thief.
Alejandro: Why would Zorro steal our tax monies.
Mendoza: Why would he kick me in the face?
Victoria: Zorro wouldn’t do that. He’s a good man.
Man: It’s Zorro! He’s robbing the bank!
De Soto: A good man, is he?
Alejandro: Yes! It’s got to be and imposter!
(In the background, Felipe watches as Zorro mounts Toronado.)
Man: What imposter could do this? (He turns to display a “Z” on his vest.)
Voices from the crowd: Oh no! It’s Zorro!
De Soto: Lancers! Seal off the plaza! Gentlemen, fire at will! Lancers! After him! (Zorro escapes by having Toronado leap onto a wagon and then up onto the roof of a building.)
Alejandro: Amazing, Victoria.
De Soto: The bounty on Zorro’s head is hereby doubled!
(The tavern)
Victoria: I just can’t believe it, that Zorro could be a thief.
Mendoza: There has to be some explanation.
Victoria: Yes, Mendoza, but what?
Mendoza: What. Hasta luego.
Victoria: Hasta luego. (Zorro enters.) I knew you would come. You should know that someone has been impersonating you.
Zorro: (He violently slams the tray in her hands against the bar.) The cash drawer, Señorita.
Victoria: Zorro, what are you doing?
Zorro: (He grabs her by the throat.) As pretty as you are, you ask too many questions. The money! Now!
(The jail)
Lozano: (He holds out a small mirror.) Sergeant, sergeant! Look into the mirror. Study it. Focus on it. Go deep into the mirror.
Mendoza: Lozano, I don’t have time for this. The alcalde’s office, the bank, and now the tavern have all been robbed by Zorro.
Lozano: Zorro?
Mendoza: Correct. So just leave me alone. Besides, I don’t believe in this mesmerizing thing. I’m too smart for that. (Mendoza leaves.)
Lozano: Zorro.
(The cave.)
(Felipe is there setting up a trap. Zorro arrives, trips over a wire and a barrel lands on his head, knocking him out. Time passes. Zorro awakens to find his hands tied and Felipe staring at him.)
Zorro: Have you completely lost your mind. Untie me!
(The hacienda)
Alejandro: Diego! Diego! He probably stayed at the tavern last night. It’s just as well. He was in a rotten mood anyhow.
(The cave.)
Zorro: That’s better. Thank you. Be reasonable, Felipe. It’s been a long night. We’re both tired. (He laughs.) What will it take to convince you that I’m not under any sort of spell? Well then, shall I recite some Shakespeare, hm? “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.” There. You remember that? Shakespeare’s eighteenth sonnet. How could a man under a spell remember romantic lines of poetry? This is really foolish. Come on. (Felipe unties him.) Thank you. Lovely. (He suddenly grabs Felipe by the collar.) Remember the rest? “Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines. And often is his cold complexion dimmed.” (He knocks Felipe out.)
(The jail.)
Mendoza: (Sets a tray in front of Lozano.) Prisoner Lozano? Time for breakfast.
Lozano: I’m not hungry.
Mendoza: Not even for fresh hot tamales?
Lozano: No. You know an awful lot about food, don’t you, Sergeant?
Mendoza: Well, let’s just say I never met a tamale I didn’t like.
Lozano: This is a very nice tamale. Beautiful, wouldn’t you say? (He walks over to the bars and holds it up before the sergeant.) Focus on it. Think about the succulence, it’s aroma, it’s flavor. (He snaps his fingers and Mendoza is obviously under his control.) It’s just a matter of finding something of interest. Open the door. Thank you, Sergeant. No, wait. You should be rewarded. You’ve just been promoted to commandant of this entire garrison. Congratulations. (He leaves quickly and Mendoza smiles.)
Mendoza: Lancers!
(The hacienda.)
Alejandro: Where have you been, Diego. Your bed wasn’t even slept in.
Diego: My books, Father. I was up all night reading.
Alejandro: You’re amazing. Zorro’s running amuck and you’re buried in your books.
Diego: Perhaps Zorro is finally showing his true colors.
Alejandro: Don’t say that, Son, especially after all Zorro’s done for the people of Los Angeles. You know something, that’s enough to have made Julius Caesar utter his immortal words, “Et tu, Brute.”
Diego: (Blinking, coming out of the trance.) What?
Alejandro: You heard me, Zorro. Why does he change so drastically?
Diego: Zorro? What did he do?
Alejandro: Well, after he cleaned out the bank and the alcalde’s office, he went into the tavern. He robbed Victoria. A man of such high principles! Let’s face it, he’s a common criminal. (Alejandro leaves. Diego goes to the fireplace and presses the hidden lever.)
(The cave.)
(Diego finds Felipe on the floor and rouses him.)
Diego: Felipe! Hi. (Felipe pushes him away.) What is it? What’s wrong? (Felipe signs.) I hit you? I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I wasn’t myself. Really. (Felipe signs.) A trance? Must have been that good doctor, that traveling Lozano. Another ruthless purveyor of unknown evils we’re better off avoiding. Come on, I think it’s time we paid the good doctor a visit.
(Outside the alcalde’s office.)
De Soto: Sergeant! The prisoner’s escaped!
Mendoza: I beg your pardon. You’re not questioning my authority, are you, Private?
De Soto: Private? Have you lost your mind?
Mendoza: As commandant of this garrison, I could have you shot on the spot for such insubordination.
De Soto: You could have me shot? The man’s lost his mind. Lancers! I want that prisoner caught!
Mendoza: I want that prisoner caught! Now!
(Outside Los Angeles)
(Lozano pulls up his wagon before Diego on horseback, barring his way.)
Lozano: Did you do as I ordered?
Diego: Yes.
Lozano: Do you have the money?
Diego: Yes.
Lozano: Where is it? Give it to me now.
Diego: (Raises a pistol and aims it at Lozano.) I will kill anyone who stands in my way.
Lozano: Fool! I’m your master. You’re not supposed to kill me. “Et tu, Brute” (Diego cocks the pistol.) “Et tu, Brute!”
Diego: No one can stop me.
Lozano: Please! “Et tu, Brute!” Please! You can have the money. I don’t want it. You can have it all.
Diego: You must leave California permanently.
Lozano: Yes. I will. I’m leaving. (He leaves in the wagon quickly. Diego rides to meet Felipe.)
Diego: Yes, I could put Lozano behind bars. But he’d soon realize that his instructions to me were carried out by Zorro. That kind of information in his hands would be a dangerous thing indeed. Oh, don’t worry. Lozano thinks he’s smarter than he truly is. Justice has a way of catching up with such men, wherever they may go.
(The tavern)
Man: And I found all the bank’s money back in the vault.
Alejandro: See.
Mendoza: Of course, now that Zorro knows I am the new commandant of the garrison, he will do anything to avoid my considerable wrath.
Victoria: Then why would Zorro steal all our money and then return every last peso?
Alejandro: Victoria’s right. There’s much more than meets the eye here.
Mendoza: It is obvious. He is afraid of my ruthless power. Even Private De Soto says that the stolen tax money has been put back in the quartel safe.
Alejandro: Private De Soto?
De Soto: Either the sergeant has completely lost his mind or he’s under some sort of a spell.
Victoria: Uh, perhaps a plate of fresh tamales will cure the sergeant’s delusions, hm?
Alejandro: Gentlemen, gentlemen.
(The kitchen: Victoria comes in through the curtained door and turns to find Zorro.)
Zorro: Please. Don’t say anything.
Victoria: I certainly have nothing to say to you.
Zorro: Victoria, whatever I’ve done, I truly apologize. It wasn’t me.
Victoria: Oh, it was you all right.
Zorro: No, it was something deep inside me, an irrational force, perhaps a dark side we all share unleashed by a dangerous mental science, the same irrational force that seems to have Mendoza in its grip.
Victoria: So now you are free from this force? This dark side?
Zorro: Yes. Completely.
Victoria. How can you be sure?
Zorro: I’ll let you be the judge. (He kisses her.)
Mendoza: I want service! (Mendoza enters.) Zorro!
Zorro: Your timing leaves a lot to be desired, Sergeant.
Mendoza: Sergeant! How dare you insult the commandant of the Royal Brigade! Prepare to die! (Mendoza draws his sword. Zorro does also.)
Zorro: “Et tu, Brute.” (Mendoza blinks, comes out of his trance.)
Mendoza: Zorro!
Zorro: You don’t really want to do this, do you, Sergeant?
Mendoza: I have always had the greatest admiration for you. I have total respect for you. You would not hurt a sergeant, would you?
Zorro: Well, it was you who drew on me first, amigo.
Mendoza: I drew — (He looks down at the sword in his hand.) Please forgive me. (Mendoza leaves.)
Zorro: Forgive me?
Victoria: Always.
(They kiss.)
The End